Just finished reading Billy Connolly's biography. Griping aside, Billy Connolly has a few suggestions for all of us on how to lead a proud and happy life. Imagine syrupy music playing in the background while reading the following out loud with the deepest voice you can muster:
• Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways
• Have lots of long lie-ins
• Wear sturdy socks, learn to grow out of medium underwear and, if you must lie about your age, do it in the other direction: tell people you are ninety-seven and they’ll think you look fucking great.
• Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away
• Never eat food that comes in a bucket
• If you don’t know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting
• Boo joggers
• Don’t work out, work in
• Play the banjo
• Sleep with somebody you like
• Eat plenty of Liquorice Allsorts
• Try to live in a place you like
• Marry somebody you like
• Try to do a job you like
• Never turn down the opportunity to shout “Fuck them all” at the top of your voice
• Avoid bigots of all descriptions
• Let your own bed become to you what the Pole Star was to the sailors of old…look forward to it
• Don’t wear tight underwear on airplanes
• Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? … He is a mile away and you’ve got his shoes
• Clean your teeth and keep the company of people who will tell you when there’s spinach on them
• Avoid people who say they know the answer
• Keep the company of people who try to understand the question
• Don’t pat animals with sneaky eyes
• If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11 a.m., start one
• Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is an international language, it has no swearwords (if you don’t count Wagner, which in my opinion is one long one ans should be avoided at all cost).
• If you write a book, be sure there are exactly seventy-sic ‘fuck’s in it
• Avoid giving LSD to guide dogs
• Don’t be talked into wearing a uniform
• Salute nobody
• Never run with scissors or other pointy objects
